Confession: Almost all of my pants (specifically for work) do not fit me anymore. Nor do my slimming blouses, chunky sweaters and oh-so-cute pajamas. I’m not talking sweatpants people. I’m talking nightgowns, little boyfriend shorts and tanks. In disbelief I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks and hopped off just as quickly; in even more disbelief. A good fifteen pounds in five months. Yup. No joke. The first question that popped in my head: how did this happen?
And the honest answer: I slowly but surely have become happy again. Not only was I working my little ass off this past summer for the boudoir photo shoot that I had booked, but I also was broke. I didn’t get my promotion until late in the season and my budget was strict with only $55 spent each month on groceries. This meant no eating out, cooking each and every meal, and not wasting anything that I had purchased. Today I find myself spending money on groceries that may be thrown away after a week because I’ve lost the motivation to cook… or maybe not motivation, just lack of wanting to be alone in my apartment. My social life has changed as with the amount of time that I’m spending alone. Funny how I was in a serious relationship for so many years but only spent one evening a week, about four awake hours with this person (that’s sixteen hours a month) and the rest of my time was alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very independent woman, I just am enjoying what I have now, more.
And now for a second truth: you just don’t eat much when you’re sad. When you’re heartbroken and miserable and believing that life won’t go on (the way you “want” it to, that is). I lost my appetite for weeks; living off of ice pops, an apple here and there and alcohol. I was constantly out drinking with friends and waking up the morning after with a hangover; which does not automatically scream “let’s be healthy and eat breakfast! or lunch! or dinner!” for that matter. It was more like, “hell yeah I’m drinking!” Get drunk. Eat obnoxious food. Wake up and repeat. I’d like to call this diet the heartbreak but not break the belt diet. When you are looking to drop a good ten pounds and not feel like you are starving, just go fall in love, have him
break your heart stomp on your heart a couple thousand times and BAM! You’ve got yourself weight loss. But seriously, don’t do this. I’m not a professional and that message was not approved by any accredited source. But it works.
When you are happy on the other hand, you want to spend as much possible time with friends or significant other. And for many people, catching up or having fun often equals eating out. Trying a new restaurant. Grabbing a drink. Not necessarily going for a long run, hiking a new peak or just plain enjoying each other’s company snuggled up on a couch (that I don’t have… yet). I have been doing all of the above and have only recently been trying to add in the latter.
The second question that immediately followed: how did I not notice?
And the honest answer: I guess I’ve been too happy. And it’s funny that things work out this way, especially when you are in the first stage of a new relationship. You know, the one where you want to look your prettiest. Smell the nicest. Act most like a lady. Wouldn’t you think I’d notice the plumpier cheeks, extra chin and muffin top that slowly creeped into the picture? Apparently not and the only expaination that I have for this: is that I’m really not spending that much time in front of a mirror. I’m barely in my apartment anymore and when I am, I’m not focusing on my image as much as I am my stinky kitty, the clutter and time spent in bed.
Where am I going with this post? I guess to joke that being happy again has made me a little heavier than desired. That’s the first step to admitting there’s a problem, right? I want to be happy with all aspects of my life (personal, physical and mental) and woah, am I out of balance.
As many of you have noticed over the course of this blog, I’m a list person. I make them for everything. It’s not just about being organized but the sense of accomplishment I feel when there is nothing left at the end of a day. For me, I’m setting small goals and succeeding. I’m realizing that I’m not setting as many as I once was and need to get back into the habit of setting more.
As my mom says, I’m always doing everything. My response: but I’d be doing nothing otherwise. Be prepared for some new goals that I’m going to be setting weekly/monthly to get myself back in balance with who I really am and wish to be.
And don’t get me wrong, being happy far surpasses wearing a size two.