Today marks the start of a new year of life for me. And with this, I have come up with two resolutions.
I, Jona Lee Favreau, hereby commit to washing my dishes within twenty-four hours of using them. If you know me, you know I despise the dishes- in fact they gross me out. To the point that I almost vomit. I will literally eat out of every dish in the apartment before scrubbing up- cheerios never tasted so good out of a blue tea mug. But with control over my bad habit, my clean eating and daily exercise routine will become more habitual. Not only that, I don’t like waking up in the morning or coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Secondly and most importantly, I, Jona Lee Favreau, hereby commit to being happy each day. With everything that I’ve been dealing with personally, I haven’t been focusing on today. I’ve realized that by remembering what used to bring me happiness is no longer present today and probably will never be again in the future (with that particular person). This is not easy to admit but is necessary for moving forward. As much as I wish for it to be there, I can not change who he has become or wishes to be in the future. I cannot control his lifestyle nor do I wish to. I only wish for happiness (this is the part where I blow out the candles).
As a friend referred to it, I will begin my J-cleanse. I will shed the items from my life that are toxic. Photographs, letters, clothing, and personal items are boxed up and ready to be removed from my apartment. I’m not erasing his memory, just ready to start making new ones. I found this quote on a friend’s profile and can relate one hundred percent: I’m terrified of letting go. Terrified, in fact, of living at all, since learning to live is learning to let go.
I guess at times like this it is important to remember why I write. Why do I choose to express how I am feeling with other people? I write because it is what I enjoy. I write because sometimes I just feel so alone in this empty apartment, separated from my family and few close friends that I do have. Especially, with the loss of my best friend and companion, it is difficult knowing that I don’t have somewhere to drive in the middle of the night when times are extremely difficult. To lay in bed and feel completely at peace with the person in which you share your life experiences with. And I don’t always write about the hard times- the main reason why I started this blog last summer was to share my first vacation as a hard-working, nine to five woman.
It is also important to note that all people that are included in this blog are aware that I have used their real names. If I have snapped a photograph of you, I have either stated that it was for my blog or later asked for permission. If that person then chooses not to read my entries or care to respond, then so be it. I try my hardest not to make judgements upon other people in my life or make assumptions. I have only spoken the truth and understand that sometimes it may be difficult to hear, especially if it is a loved one. But I am not exposing anyone. If I have experienced it, it was public. One may feel ashamed, angry, hurt- the list goes on- that this is happening to them, but without acknowledgement, it will continue to reoccur until one makes the decision to make an end.
And this is my end. I am not calling anyone an addict, an alcoholic, or a person suffering from borderline personality disorder. I am saying that you are a friend, a lover, a hard-worker, and a person who is willing to stop on the side of the road for a stranger to make sure that one is safe and sound. I have tried listening to the very little that you are willing to share, expressed my concern and offered words of guidance. But apparently, this is no longer enough. It is important for me to now share that unlike others in your life, I am no longer willing to enable you and your destructive behavior.
Many have expressed their concern for you and never have I doubted their love for you. I am coming to terms of understanding that you may never return to be the person that I met a decade ago. And although it hurts, I am willing to accept this and remove the toxicity in my life. You make me physically, emotionally and psychologically sick and I am no longer willing to lay in bed worrying about you. I understand that you are alone, undecided in the direction in which you would like your future to head and conflicting with challenge of having a social, single-life and one with me by your side. I am not saying I no longer love you, I am just no longer willing to love you to death.
Your actions will not change if you aren’t willing to make the change. And if I am no longer willing to accept them, I hope this is enough to show you how much I care. My wish is for others to follow in this direction to show you how much they care. Actions speak louder than words.
Happy 25th Birthday! xoxo, me.