Humor this new series as I come up with various reasons as to why I am single.
Saltine crackers. That’s it. I’ve had an obsession with these small squares of deliciousness for years now. In fact, one year (I believe my freshman year of college) it was my New Year’s resolution to eat ten of them within like two minutes. Hilarious. We all piled into my room on multiple occasions to battle the cracker. And just to be clear, it cannot be done. That year was a waste.
And what makes this snack so unappealing you ask? Well for starters, it’s a snack of the retired community. What twenty-five year old chooses crackers over chocolate or a fresh apple? This girl. And it’s not like they can be concealed when traveling or out at the bar. Instead, you have to carry around this large, white sleeve that crinkles each time you reach in. “Oh heeeey. Did you pack a snack, junior? Have a cracker.”
mini lifesaver.
Number two: you look like a fat ass because no matter how hard you try, you cannot NOT eat the entire sleeve of crackers in one sitting. You can’t. They are perfect plain. They are perfect with jam. They are perfect with almond butter, dunked in tomato soup, or baked in the oven with a sprinkle of secret seasonings (yes, I have the secret recipe). I don’t even buy the ones with salt- as if I’m saving myself from high blood pressure when I’m consuming a billion unnecessary, processed carbohydrates.
Lastly, they get stuck in your teeth. No matter what. Take a nibble, stuck in your teeth. Shove the whole damn cracker in, almost choke because it dries your mouth out, and stuck in your teeth. Then your stuck in the awkward position of having to pick it out of your teeth- major turn off. There is just no way around it folks other than abstinence.
And that is one delight that I am not willing to give up for a relationship. Crunch on!
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