Confession time: Yes, I have Ke$ha’s full Animal + Cannibal album on my classic iPod. Yes, I stumbled upon it after about forty-five minutes of practicing in the bathroom for my Halloween costume (well, old one. I’m no longer going to be Lil Wayne). And yes, I listened to the entire album.
Second confession of the day: When Googling the different lyrics for the chosen songs, I discovered that Ke$ha is white. No joke. I had no clue.
- Although frequenting a place that she describes most like Waterworks sounds like a spectacular time (and it typically is), this is not the ideal place to be picking up your next date that you’d potentially like to bring home to meet mom. And although I don’t give a _____ about taking my clothes off in public, one should remain lady-like and wait until at least the third date (just kidding, mom). Warning: the water bottle filled with whiskey is not going to help refrain you from making ridiculous drunk phone calls at five a.m. (song: Take it Off)
- I swear this song is the story of my life: acting like a slut when I was gone [the ex-boyfriend was acting like one with Frienemy 641 while I was in China]. Okay, back to what I’ve learned or what my readers should learn about me: if you’re dating me, I’m going to find out if you cheated on me. At some point, somehow. And if you were stupid enough to kiss n tell at least one peson, I’m going to blog n tell. Everyone. (song: Kiss N Tell)
- Crying out “Steeeeephen. Steeeeeephen. Why won’t you call me?” in that annoying voice is only going to creep him out even more and cause him not to want to call you. In addition, making any of the following comments do indeed result in him thinking you’re crazy: you’re my sick obsession, I’m sitting here waiting, I can’t take rejection, don’t you think I’m pretty, do you not love me? Take note Frienemy 641; he never called you back, right? (song: Stephen)
- If you are waking up the next morning realizing that your one-night-stand is gone and you don’t know whether or not you’re in love or just hungover, you should not be hooking up with anyone. Ever. You my girl friend, are the exact reason why guys think one-night stands can never be a one-night stand with a female. (song: Hungover)
- You all know how I feel about my boots in this autumn weather; I might actually pick my pair of black wedges over boys these days. I’d much rather be sipping on a tall glass of red wine partaking in a mini photo shoot with my iPhone and knee highs than sitting at the bar listening to some story about a recent trip to the gym. (song: Boots and Boys)
- There is a huge difference between the potential hottie that’s going to buy you a shot and fulfill every one of your dreams on the dance floor and an old man. Don’t pull the lesbian card ladies, just tell him to get back to the museum. (song: Dinosaur)