doubt /dout/ Noun: a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.
In my family we refer to my mom’s worrying as the dryer. She constantly has “clothes in the dryer,” circling and circling (in her head) until they are dry enough (resolved). It would be nice if it were just a sweater, but in more cases than none, it’s a full load. I must admit, that the older I become, the more I realize I’m like my mother.
And tonight I have a full load of doubt in the dryer.
I’ve been in a funk these past couple of days and these are just a few of the “articles of clothing” why:
- It’s officially week four of marathon training and I must say, I have anxiety each and every day. Worried about how far my next run will be, how fast I will need to remain to keep up with previous workouts, whether or not I’m sleeping enough, hydrating enough, eating too much (of the bad of course). I have a very addicting personality and not being able to weigh myself in because of a dead battery has got me freaked out (I only weigh in once a week and only on a Tuesday). Now I’ll have to wait an entire week of 20+ miles to track my progress. I will be one-fourth of the way through with training and I can’t help but worry about the course I have chosen taken on.
- I haven’t fully settled into my new apartment. I still have piles to tackle and find “homes” for and with one day left of the month, I still have to finish moving everything over… and tomorrow is supposed to snow. Oiy. At this point it isn’t about using the place for each day that I paid for it, it’s about finding the time and energy to finish what I so desperately wanted.
- Not being in good enough shape for a fashion show that I booked in April. This will be my first one of the year and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to rock the Rockabilly theme. This will be great motivation for me to get strict with my lifestyle and eating habits but without that damn scale…
- Do I really want to put my heart out on the line, again? Do I really want to chance getting hurt, again? I am in no shape or form over my ex-boyfriend and can’t help but cry my little eyes out each night that I’m sleeping alone. Not because I’m sleeping alone, but because I’m faced with reality of where I actually am today. I am happy. I am smiling. But I’m fearing that I’m in some way losing that independent gal that I “reclaimed” last fall.
- Am I collecting enough money at work? Am I not staying late enough? I can’t help but to compare myself to previous numbers but also realize that this isn’t a position in which I need to bring home. And I have been lately. If not consciously, in my dreams. I am constantly taking phone calls listening to people bitch, complain, cry, whine, and yell; I just want someone to call me saying yes, it is all their fault and yes they want to resolve it. No if’s, and’s, or but’s.
- My student loans will be coming due in four months. I can’t even afford to put money away into savings each month let alone break down $30,000+ into monthly payments for the next twenty years. Goodbye freedom, hello second job.